Game Shrek Super Slam' title='Game Shrek Super Slam' />The Churn. Drew Magarys Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here. I nearly drowned last week. I was at a beach off the coast of Delaware and the waves were a good 1. There were whitecaps going all the way back to the horizon. Humpty Dumpty from Shrek Reekin Havoc. In Shrek Reekin Havoc, Humpty Dumpty appears as one of the bosses. Humpty Dumpty appears as a secret character in the video. Game Shrek Super Slam' title='Game Shrek Super Slam' />But I had already dragged our kids and all our shit down to the beach, so I was going into the water no matter what. My wife was like O HELL NO, but I was like, Its fine. This is a standard dad move. I could push my kids out of a burning airplane and still turn to my wife and say, This is perfectly safe I have no problem downplaying the potential lethality of ANY situation. So I go past the initial breakers and immediately Im in deep shit. When shooting a documentary, the vast majority of what you film gets edited out of the final production. But instead of letting thousands of hours of breathtaking. Game Shrek Super Slam' title='Game Shrek Super Slam' />The waves wont stop crashing. Every time I dive under them, they throw me back and Im still in the middle of endless churn. And the undertow is so strong that it keeps dragging me right back into the middle of the action. Im stuck. I cant go forward or back. Game Shrek Super Slam' title='Game Shrek Super Slam' />Youre supposed to swim sideways to break out of mean currents, but Id already forgotten that bit of precious strategery. I keep diving under and getting thrown back. And now I look back to the beach and can see my wife and kid standing next to a stud lifeguard, who is holding his little red missile thingy, ready to dive in and come rescue my sorry ass. I remember when I would play in the ocean as a kid and the whole GOAL was to have the waves bury me and toss me around until I was spitting up seawater. I remember liking it for some reason. I remember wanting to see what would happen, what new ways the ocean would kick my ass. But I am no longer young. Im not elastic. Im not built for this. Now Im getting pummeled before I have a chance to recover from the last pummeling. I only see the beach in flashes. My feet cant touch the sand. I am going to be swept away and die like an idiot, which would be wholly appropriate given my career. But no. Not this day. No, I summon what small amount of Dad Strength I have left and push through the undertow and finally feel my feet touch the sand again. I stagger back to the beach as the waves nail me a few times more for good measure, and my wife is shaking her head like, You moron. Like any good dad, I take great pains to shrug off the entire incident. I go, Wow, that was some brutal surf And the lifeguard is like, Yeah, I was trying to call you in. We dont want anyone going past knee deep today. Thats my cue to activate my know it allism and be like, Oh for sure As you can see, the riptides are very strong today IM GLAD I COULD USE MY POSEIDON LIKE MASTERY OF THE SEA TO TEST THESE WATERS AND SHOW THE REST OF THE BEACHGOERS THAT YOU MUST RESPECT THE WAVES. Down the beach, there is a family with older kids, and those kids are hanging out WAY deep in the surf, on surfboards. The waves that crushed me bounce right off them. The lifeguard doesnt seem to worry about them at all. They are good. They can handle it. I continue playing it off for the rest of the day. But afterward, at night, I close my eyes and I can still feel the waves tossing me around and beating me senseless. I can sense that I was closeperhaps not THAT close, but close enough to make me revisit the moment over and overto getting carried out to sea and never seeing anyone or anything I love ever again. I fall asleep and I dream about being caught in roiling water, this time with no beach of any kind in sight. I can barely breathe. Install Evdo Modem Driver. When I try to swim, the ocean grabs me and does as it pleases. And I wake up remembering what it was like for that split second when I knew I was in very real trouble. Normally, I am in command of my own body. Im fully in charge of taking steps, and sitting down, and stuffing my face with breakfast sandwiches. Every movement is within my control. And so its very unnerving to experience a moment where you are forced to concede control of your body, when another entity takes over your central nervous system by proxy and you have to hope that it has mercy on you. I can recall, with great clarity, the moments when this has happened in my life. It happened out in that ocean. Interactive Spelling Game Ks3 Sats. It happened any time I got into a car wreck. It happened any time I lost control while skiing, turned into a complete spazz, and then fell down. And of course, it happened out on the football field. The time between you placing your hand in the dirt and the snap is the longest. I remember practicing all week and daydreaming about finally getting into the game, where in I would CRUSH the opposition and thus be rewarded with fine foods and bountiful women. And then, when I finally got a chance to take the field in garbage time, I remember little but pure terror. OH FUCK. WHAT DO I DO That time right before the snap is like waiting for a prison riot to break out. We drilled our movements down for hours. The o line was always relegated to the hinterlands of the practice field, and there we would duck walk until our quads were ready to burst. We would face each other in a column of twos and get in proper pass block position and take turns jabbing and stepping and grabbing at the front of the d linemans shoulder pads this is why smart d lineman wear tight jerseys and slick them with Vaseline. We would break down when the coach shouted BREAKDOWN We did all that. The goal of any football practice is to prepare your men for everything that can happen during the course of the game, and its easy to delude yourself into thinking a good practice week can accomplish that. I remember Id be like, Wow, we had a great week of practice Thisll go well And then the game would start. The few times I got in there, Id hear the whistle blow and then find myself in the center of the churn. Everything I had practiced seemed useless in the center of that chaos. The mass of bodies did what it wanted, with me nearly helpless to influence it. One time, I was playing defense and broke through the o line, only to realize that I had been set up for a pull block. And I can still remember that dude coming right at me, head lowered. I can still remember thinking, Oh shit, right before he plowed into me and I gave my body away. That would not be the only time football turned me into a rag doll. Of course, part of this was because I sucked. Other players could handle it. Other players could wade into the melee like giant cave trolls and retain full command of their facilities. They could go where they wanted to go. I dont think Ill ever stop wondering how some players do it. To this day, I dont really know how the fuck Aaron Rodgers can do what he does. Open Pptx File Office 2003. It seems well beyond the capacity of both body and mind to ignore 1. I dont know how the mass doesnt swallow him whole every play. Fewer people are watching the NFL now. Whether its because of cord cutting, or disgust with head injuries, or political reasons, or endlessly drawn out replays and suspension hearings, or just general dissatisfaction with the televised product, they are tuning out. This means nothing data wise, but I really do have friends who have stopped watching the NFL out of disinterest, and they have no plans to return. I dont really want my kids play the sport, and they havent asked to. Shrek character Wiki. Shrek FANDOM powered by Wikia. Shrek. Occupation. Scaring villagers formerlyInterim King of Far Far Away briefly. What are you doing in my swamp Shrek regally known as Sir Shrek is the titular protagonist of the Shrek franchise. He is Fionas husband, Donkey and Puss best friend, the ogre triplets father, and the son in law of Lilian and Harold. Biography. Shrek was born to an unnamed father and mother about thirty years prior to the first movie. He lived with his parents until his 7th birthday. Although they didnt want him to go, they had to follow the ogre rules. Shrek lives in a swamp in the middle of the forest by himself. At first, he appears to like being by himself and enjoys scaring people, but not hurting them. Even though his background is unknown, it is assumed that most ogres hurt people, but Shrek isnt violent. One day, in the forest, a talking donkey named Donkey enters Shreks swamp, followed by a group of knights. The knights order Shrek to be arrested, but Shrek scares them off and saves Donkey. Donkey is grateful and thanks Shrek repeatedly and stays the night outside of Shreks house. However, more fairy tale creatures soon arrive and begin to dominate his swamp. Shrek learns from that that Lord Farquaad has dumped them all there. Outraged, Shrek takes Donkey and goes to his castle to demand his swamp back. When he arrives at Farquaads castle Duloc, he defeats a bunch of knights in a contest to see who will rescue the Princess Fiona. When he wins, this intrigues Farquaad and he makes a deal with Shrek If he rescues his princess, he will give Shreks swamp back. The duo set out once again to the dark castle Fiona is locked away in, guarded by a fire breathing dragon. But first, Shrek and Donkey had to cross the bridge that was hanging up between the castle and the ground and if you look down, you can see a lake of lava. When they got outside Shrek ordered Donkey to find the stairs because the princess will be in the highest room of the highest tower and Donkey needs stairs to find the princess. Shrek himself went to find and slay the Dragon. While Donkey distracts the dragon, Shrek goes and finds the princess in her room, and drags her out of the castle. After they rescue Donkey, and run off from the castle, leaving it in ruins, when Shrek takes his helmet off, and Fiona is repulsed by the fact that Shrek is an ogre. Shrek appears to not care, and takes Fiona by force to Farquaad. While they moved to Farquaad Duloc they met the Merry men where Fiona revealed her Karate skills. After the fight Fiona noticed an arrow in Shreks butt and gave Donkey an order to find red flowers with blue thorns just to get rid of him. Fiona got the arrow and later they continued their adventure. They later camp, and while Fiona sleeps in a cave, Shrek and Donkey sleep outside and start talking. It is then revealed that Shrek doesnt like being hated by humans and confides in Donkey that they always stereotype him as being a monster. So he just stays away from others in the safety of his swamp. Throughout the rest of the trip back to Farquaad, Fiona warms up to Shrek and Donkey and Shrek begins to fall in love with Fiona. However, when bringing her a flower, Shrek overhears Fiona talking to Donkey about how no one could love an ugly monster. Shrek thinks shes talking about him, and enraged and hurt, he goes and brings Farquaad and his knights to take her to his castle. After that, Shrek is angry at Donkey and starts a fight with him. Shrek then gets his swamp back and he is by himself once again. However, Shrek is still not happy, so he apologizes to Donkey and he convinces Shrek to get Fiona back. They take Dragon whom Donkey started a relationship with to Lord Farquaads palace. Shrek crashes their wedding and confides in Fiona that he loves her. At first, Fiona tells him that hes too late and then starts to kiss Farquaad. However, the sun begins to go down, and Fiona transforms into an ogre too, surprising Shrek. However, Farquaad is disgusted with her now and has her and Shrek arrested. As the guards grab them, Donkey and Dragon burst through the stain glass windows of the church and the Dragon eats Farquaad, thus killing him. Fiona is still unsure about herself, but Shrek tells Fiona he still thinks shes beautiful, and they get married. The story ends with Shrek and Fionas wedding, and going off in an onion carriage on their way to their honeymoon. Little Mermaid kissing Shrek. After returning from their ogre honeymoon, Shrek and Fiona return to their swamp to find Donkey there, who had messed the place up. Donkey tells them he is here because his dragon wife, Dragon has been moody lately, and he didnt think they were together anymore. Shrek then proceeds to kick Donkey out, so him and Fiona can be alone. But Donkey quickly returns, asking him what to do about the men outside his swamp. The men have come to deliver a message to Fiona. It is a letter from her parents, asking her and her new husband to come to their castle in celebration. Shrek at first refuses to go because he thinks they will sharpen their pitchforks. Fiona thinks this is ridiculous, and tells him that because they are her parents, they will love them just the way they are. Shrek still refuses, but Fiona makes him go anyway. Donkey tags along too. After a long, annoying, carriage ride to her parents kingdom of Far Far Away, a grand entrance awaits them to the castle. All of the townspeople are there, and they all gasp in horror at the sight of them, as Shrek predicted. A baby can even be heard crying in the crowd. Fionas mother Queen Lillian is surprised, but her father King Harold is shocked beyond belief. As Shrek and Fiona, approach them, her parents quietly bicker about Fionas appearance. Shrek is polite as he can be and tries to make jokes, but her parents only stare at him and do not laugh. At dinner in the castle that night, it is awkward at first and it is revealed that Shrek is horrified by the thought of having children with Fiona, as when Lillian brings the subject up, Shrek chokes on a spoon. Harold finally cannot hold his stereotypical comments down, and begins to insult Shrek about him being an ogre, and what hes done to his daughter. Shrek then promptly responds by criticizing him of his parenting schools, since they locked Fiona in a tower. Their fight gets bigger, and they start to have a food fight. Fiona is humiliated by both of them, and storms off to her childhood bedroom. Shrek feels bad and goes to apologize to her, but finds her door is locked. Him and Donkey push the door open, to find Fiona with a fairy godmother, and a room full of talking furniture. The fairy godmother explains that she wants to make them happy, but Shrek rudely dismisses her, and then commands Fiona to pack her bags. Fiona is frustrated with his attitude, and leaves the room and cries once again. That night, as they are sleeping, in Fionas cramped bed. Shrek cannot sleep and looks around the room, finding Fionas childhood diary. He is petrified to find that almost all of the pages are written and drawn in Mrs. Fiona Charming. Then there is a knock at the door, and Shrek unlocks the door to find Fionas dad, Harold. Harold apologizes and tells Shrek he wants to make it up to him. He tells Shrek to meet him in the forest, the next morning so they can have some father son bonding. Shrek suspiciously agrees, and him and Donkey leave the next morning.